Wednesday, March 23, 2011

The reality of me...

I am one of those people who always has walls up. I have barriers to protect myself. I don't like to open up to people, I don't like to share my worries or problems. Put simply I have a problem with trusting people... and really letting them in. I don't like to ask for help even when I desperately need it. Not of anyone...

The one person I feel that I can truly open myself up to is my husband. I know I can tell him anything and everything without fear of judgement, and knowing that no matter what he is there for me... I love that...

But that is what is making this whole long distance thing so darn hard... Being away from my rock for weeks on end (7 weeks so far this stint with another 4 weeks to go) and not wanting to fill up our much too short daily skypes with worries and fears. So I bottle it up. Don't get me wrong, I let it all out to him from time to time in big bursts where I am sure he thinks he is married to a crazy person!

But with everyone else I hold it inside and I do what I always do, smile. I have a tendency to just smile bigger and brighter to the outside world, the harder things get.

Someone will ask me how things are going, I'll give a big smile and say things are going good, or we are getting there. When inside I am screaming, this sucks, distance sucks, I hate being away from my husband, he hates being away from us, how do you think its going! But instead I just smile...

The problem with the way I deal with things is that it isn't really dealing at all. It's hiding. And inevitably things explode (or implode)... Inside I know theres got to be a better way, that perhaps just opening up a little will ease the internal burden... Yet I still can't bring myself to do it...

Em xo

2 comments:

Ashley @ Little Miss Momma said...

WOW, what a great post, and so well written! Thank you for your honesty with all of us! you have a beautiful blog!!!!

Em said...

Thank you so so much Ashley! It really means alot. Em xo