Tuesday, August 30, 2011

This Post Wrote Itself...

When I started writing this post, the intention was for it to be something completely different. My Tuesday Ten post. But the words just took over. So obviously I needed to get it out.

And now I am sharing it with you all.

I have an overwhelming fear of failure. And sometimes it can be crippling. There are so many things I want to do, try, achieve but I am frozen out of fear. It has controlled so many things in my life for so long. It can be as simple as fear of going to a gym class in case I fall over and make a fool of myself. Or fear of meeting new people, what if they don't like me, what if I say the wrong thing.

I have a mental and physical reaction. All the possible bad scenarios go through my mind. I literally psyche myself out. Its so frustrating. But I can hide that. My physical reaction I can't. I get the sweats, I get flushed (and I'm talking bright red in the face), my heart feels like it is going to burst out of my chest and my whole body starts to shake. It's basically a panic attack. And not fun.

I have been this way since half way through high school. Over the holidays I had a big falling out with my group of friends and  when I went back no one would talk to me (oh remember those days!) and every thing I tried to do to make things better were shot down. In classes when I had to get up and talk or perform they would heckle me for lack of a better description. I was left feeling like a total failure. I failed with my friends, I failed in front of class. That's when it began. It was awful. 

I decided the best thing to do was start fresh, I changed schools (you can only imagine that fear and anxiety I had in the lead up to the start of the new school year, my poor mother had to deal with an emotional wreck). I regretted the decision as soon as I had made it. I even thought about not going there at all, not finishing high school. But it turned out to be one of the best decisions I have ever made. I made and still have some great friends from there and its where I met the hubby. But my fears remained. 

I wanted to try new things but I was terrified. The fears are still with me today, I am just much better at hiding them. I am also getting better at conquering them. 

I wanted to start a blog for well over a year before I did it. What if no one reads it, what if people think what I have to say is rubbish. What if people don't like me. But I decided I had to do it, for me. Who would it matter to if I failed at this? No one, but to me taking the leap and doing it and facing the unknown was important. Knowing I could fail, but doing it anyway.

It has been the start of so many things. So many things I have wanted to do but have been scared of failing at, I am now doing. 

Its a long process and I don't ever think I will fully be free of the fear but I control the fear now, not the other way around. Sometimes I still give in to it, but I don't punish myself the way that I used to. And that's progress.

Em xo


Salena Lee @ A Little Piece of Me said...

I can relate to you Em. I'm glad you shared this cause it helps me. I'm happy for you that you are moving forward and learning how to conquer your fears. Something I need to learn.

Em @ And Nothing Else Matters said...

Hi Salena, so glad it helps. It was hard admitting it, yep another fault of mine is that I don't like showing weakness. Every day is a step forward. Email anytime you like, emy1811@live.com.au xo