Saturday, September 3, 2011

The Longing...

The longing...

You know the longing I mean...

You feel it deep inside yourself. Its involuntary, its intense and its wonderful. 

I have two gorgeous children. One boy, one girl, a pigeon pair as they say. They are happy and healthy. We are happy and feel blessed to be their parents.

So why has this longing started. Why have I recently started dreaming of having a third child. We always said we would have three. Then we had our two, the hubby decided to join the Air Force and we decided that two was going to be it for us. And we were both content with that. I was content. I didn't think I would change my mind. I truly didn't.

I long to be pregnant again. To feel that special bond as my child grows inside me. To cradle a precious newborn in my arms. To watch them grow and evolve and become their own person. 

If I'm honest with myself, I know why I am feeling like this. 

It's because my babies are growing. They are getting so big and independent. It's wonderful and amazing. And it's also heartbreaking.

I never realized how much it hurts the older your children get. The less they need you, the more your heart aches. My babies are no longer babies, they don't need me the way they used to. And it makes me sad.

Don't get me wrong I appreciate getting more sleep and having more freedom to do things. Yet I almost feel like I am losing my purpose. I always wanted to be a mum. I dreamt of the day when I would have a child. I love being a mum. I love raising babies. I look back on the time when I was rocking my babies, nursing them, bathing them, feeding them, encouraging them to roll over for the first time and I wish I had it again.

But things aren't that simple. They never are, are they? 

There are medical, practical and financial reasons why we shouldn't have another. I know that. I understand that. I accept that.

Yet I can't seem to stop feeling the longing.

Anyone else feel the same?

Em xo


Munchie's Mama said...

i know how you feel. As soon as baby #1 was born I instantly missed pregnancy. It was hard to wait...I only waited 9 months to get started on #2. My hubby wants to be done, but I have this feeling like there is 1 more little one waiting to be part of our family. I feel like there will always be reasons to not have a baby, but it's important to listen to your heart. I hope you find some peace.

Amanda said...

i completely understand how you're feeling. i've been feeling it for about 10yrs now! Leggs will be 10 in April. I've always wanted another baby. But due to health, money, and moving all the darn time lol it's just never happened. It's really hard coming to accept that it won't happen again (LONG story) but i completely understand the longing.

Miranda @ Life in the Motherhood said...

YES! I totally understand this! In our case, we know we're not done (we only have 1 little boy) but we know the time isn't right yet - mostly for financial reasons. Despite my happiness for the other new mommies I know, my heart still breaks a little bit everytime I see a sweet little newborn. Eventually hubby will get his promotion and we'll be able to move on with life. *sigh*