Monday, October 24, 2011

Sitting Silent in The Passenger Seat

This is a post I wrote for Salena over at A Little Piece of Me. I wanted to share it here as well, because it is something that has been weighing heavy on my heart at the moment. Sometimes I need a reminder of my own words.

Todd, the hubby joined the Air Force last year. The loneliness and hardtimes that came with this whole new lifestyle was one of my main reasons for starting my blog. And I am so glad I did. Blogging has become such a wonderful outlet for me and I have 'met' some amazing people through it. People who have the same fears and feelings as I do.

For as long as I can remember I have stopped myself from doing and trying new things because of my own fears. My own insecurities. In primary school I would look at the high school girls and think, when I'm in high school things would be different. At high school I would see other girls doing things I wanted to and I would think to myself next term or next year, I will do that too. Then I started to think that once I finished school things would be different. I would be older and not in the whole 'school' environment anymore and then I would be able to do all the things I wanted to.

It was a pointless process because, you guessed it, I never did those things and things didn't change.

You see one problem was that I was waiting around for things to change by themselves. Let me just tell you, that is never gonna happen. You cannot go through life sitting silent in the passenger seat and expect the car to take you where you want it to. It's not realistic and it is no fun at all.

The second problem was that I was setting up roadblocks for myself. It was always when I get to a weight I am happy with, when I get the cool clothes, when I get in with the cool crowd, when I get a boyfriend, when I get engaged, when I get married, when I become a mother. You name it I thought it. 

All I was doing was taking the cowards way out. By giving myself these 'rules' about when I could try/attempt/do new things was my fear and anxieties way of making sure I didn't have to do it. It meant I never had to confront the unknown and I didn't have to worry about failing. 

Yet I still felt like a failure, because I always wondered why other people were able to do these things and i wasn't. It was a nasty vicious cycle.

The funny thing was that it actually took me having my daughter for my mindset to change. Hey, don't get me wrong I still have that nasty inner talk with myself, I still struggle with my anxiety and fear of failure. 

How can I tell my daughter she can do anything she puts her mind to, if I am letting my mind talk me out of doing the things that I want to. How can I help shape my daughters self confidence if I am sabotaging my own confidence. How can I encourage my daughter to try new things if I am not willing to myself.

The truth is I CAN"T!

I definitely do not want my own fears, insecurities and anxieties to be mirrored in my precious girl. I am determined to lead my daughter by example. She deserves better than that. One day it just hit me like a tonne of bricks. I am also a daughter. And I deserve better as wellTalk about a light bulb moment. 

I now take steps daily to keep myself in check.

Every time I look in the mirror I find something that I like in what I see and say it out loud. It can be as simple as this lip gloss looks great or this eye shadow brings out my eyes. Trust me it helps.

I make a point of looking at something that I have made or created that I am proud of. It reminds me how capable I am. It can be a flower brooch or my daughters ballet bag. Make sure it is something you really love.

I make a list of what I am thankful for. I used to do this on paper, now I mostly do it in my head while drinking my first cup of coffee for the day. On bad days, I still put pen to paper. We all need to be reminded daily of our blessings.

I make myself do something new every day. Whether its a new recipe, or a new craft, or a scary for me topic on my blog. If I make trying new things part of my daily life, then I can accept that if something doesn't work out it won't hurt me. I just need to move on and try something different.

I believe. I pray. I have faith that there is a plan for me and that this is just all a part of the process that is leading me to where I am going to be. That makes me feel better instantly.


Beth @ Through the Eyes of the Mrs. said...

I'm pretty sure we have a lot of the same personality traits. This was a great post for me to read. Pretty sure I hold myself back yet always tell my children they can do anything! xoxo

{K} said...

A great post! I can relate to a lot of this.

I'm a new follower from the weekend blog hop.

Mackeys Moments said...

what a great message!

KERRY said...

I understand where you're coming from. Good for you for recognising and wanting to change. I hope you're successful!

Lisa @ Two Bears Farm said...

It's hard not to overanalyze but it sounds like you're doing just great!