Is worn out...
I am physically and mentally exhausted. Yet I can't seem to make myself stop or slow down. Looking after two big kids and a newborn while trying to run a household is tiring. I nurse Connor every two hours during the day, which means there isn't actually much time at all between his feeds when I can actually get things done.
I rush around like a crazy person trying to do it all. I know I shouldn't, I know that I can't maintain this hectic pace for long but I can't slow myself down. He only usually wakes twice at night, but since I rarely go to bed before 11 and am up around 5.30 most days, I am just so tired.
With both Mia and Ryan I rested when they napped, I went to bed early and took it easy. Yet for some reason I can't do that with Connor. I haven't taken a nap during the day since the day I came home from the hospital the day after he was born. I want to, I need to yet I can't escape the guilt.
Why is that? Why do I feel that if I stop or slow down and just rest and leave everything else I will be failing. In my head I know it's crazy, I do. Yet, I keep on keeping on.
I feel like I have to be on top of everything. That I have to keep the house spotless and in order, the laundry all under control, yummy treats baked, fun activities for the kids, breakfast and coffee ready for Todd when he gets up in the morning. I have even been redecorating the house, moving things around, making new pillow covers, curtains etc. I have to do lists everywhere that I have to have ticked off.
Why do I feel like simply being a mother and wife and keeping my kids and husband happy just isn't enough. That because I am not working at a 'job' that what I do is never going to be seen as good enough or worthwhile. I out my everything into being the best mum and wife that I can possibly be yet always feel like I am falling short.
I feel like if I stop and just lay on the couch resting between nursing Connor and that the house is a mess, dishes not done, beds not made, washing not done and folded, not dressed in something cute with my makeup done, and with a successfully ticked off to do list when Todd comes home from work then I will be letting him down. Because he goes to work, he works darn hard, and brings in the money to take care of us, he should be able to come home to a clean, tidy home with a happy wife and babies, put his feet up and have a nice hot coffee with something tasty for a snack.
I hate that I feel like society thinks that being a mum and a wife isn't enough. That because you don't work a payed job that you are lazy and have this super relaxing stress free life. I don't spend my days sitting on my behind what soaps on tv and gorging myself with food. I am usually only sitting when I am nursing Connor or reading with one of the kids. Or at the sewing machine. I play games with them. I teach Ryan to read and write. I do homework and activities with Mia.
I multitask all.the.time. I blog on my iPad while nursing Connor. I schedule tweets and Facebook posts and reply to emails while I am nursing hike during the night. I hang out the washing, make the beds, sweep the floor and out away dishes will baby wearing my little guy.
Yet it still seems like its never enough. But who am I trying to please? I don't know. But something has to give at some point. I am desperately trying to build up my blog and get new stock into my shop so that I can at least feel like I am making some kind of monetary contribution to our family. I know it won't be anything near what my husband provides but it will be something. And perhaps then I won't feel the judgement that I don't work, I work darn hard. For my family, for my home, for this blog and for my little shop. Most of the time there is no thanks, no recognition, no reward. But I do it all with love, for love.
I know I need to change this mind set because it is toxic, I feel like every comment is criticism laced with judgment. Not fun. Not cool. Not nice.
Props to you if you made it all the way through this. It has been incredibly rambled and probably very confusing. What can I say, I am sleep deprived and darn exhausted, my train of thought isn't the greatest. Sigh. Thank you for reading.
I'm off to scoff down a coffee and hang out some washing now that this little guy is full for the moment.