Friday, January 31, 2014

Not Feeling Good Enough...



Before you think this is a woe is me post, let me assure you it is actually the opposite. It's a story of my journey.

For a heck of a long time I have struggled with not feeling good enough. Not good enough to be loved, not good enough to be friends with, not good enough to be important, not good enough to have a blog, not good enough to do tutorials, not good enough in general.

I let this crippling feeling take over. I let it affect my choices, my actions, my words and my life. I talked myself out of so many things, from sending a text message, making a phone call, say hi to a stranger, writing posts, sharing ideas, sharing myself. 

I have pushed people away, or tried to at least, because I felt undeserving of their love or friendship. I've pushed at Todd too many times to count, luckily for me I've also always been open and honest with him about those insecure feelings, so he knows what is really behind it and loves me through it.

Unfortunately it hasn't always gone that way with friendships, and that makes me sad, because it's usually my own doing. I have had a hard time opening up, really sharing, really being involved and being the first to reach out for fear of them realising that I'm not good enough. Actually makes me laugh a little writing it now, because I am working through it all and I can now see it clearly and from their point of view. Those walls we think we have up, aren't nearly as thick as we think they are. Our real friends can usually see straight through them and love us anyway.

This all may sounds so strange to you as you read it considering what having a blog and the various social media accounts that go along with it entails. Which is showing yourself to others.

In the past I have had to literally psyche myself up before I could actually hit publish on my posts. Not all of them of course, but a lot of them. And when I haven't gotten the reaction (views or comments) that I thought I would, I have felt like I made a mistake, clearly I wasn't good enough to post that type of thing. Felt validated in my negative thoughts.

Maybe it came with turning 30 last year, but while I can't say I am completely void of those thoughts, I have learnt and am continuing to learn how to break through those negative thoughts.

I don't care as much about what others think of me. Plain and simple. Does it matter what someone I don't know thinks of me, no of course not. Because no matter what type of person you are, no matter how good, there is always going to be someone who doesn't like you. And that's okay.

I am no longer going to shy away from the fact that I have a strong faith in God just because I don't want to offend those who don't. I'm not offended if others don't believe, so why should they be offended by my believing. I don't go about spouting it in random conversations or trying to force my beliefs on others so what does it matter? It doesn't, or at least it shouldn't. I've been asked my views before and shied away from giving a concrete answer for fear of being judged. Pretty silly isn't it.

I am no longer going to second guess if my craft, recipe, DIY project or post is good enough. If I made it, love it and had the first instinct to share it I'm just going to go with it. And not even look at the views or take the number of comments as the only form of validation.

 I didn't start this blog to have a lot of followers. I didn't really know whether anyone would read it when I started and remember feeling blown away when I started gaining followers. That's what I have started to focus on again, feeling grateful and thankful for all of you wonderful people who do read my blog, who do love what I share and who send me kinds words and emails. 

I just want to share who I really am. What I love, how I feel, and my truths. Because when it comes down to it I would rather be hated for who I really am than loved for being something that I'm not.

My hope is that by sharing my own insecurities, my fears and perceived flaws some of you reading this will relate. Will think, wow that's exactly how I feel. I want you to know you aren't alone. Not at all. I've been there, still am from time to time. It's a constant journey and struggle. 

But know that you, and I, are good enough.

1 comment:

Elizabeth Dietz said...

I know exactly how you feel girl! I have definitely at times had many of the same thoughts. Especially when it comes to my blog. I constantly have to keep reminding myself that I started my blog for me... as a place for me to write down my thoughts... share things I found amazing... etc. I sometimes struggle to keep in mind that people might not always like what I have to say and hey, people might not ever even read what I have to say. What is important is that I am enjoying what I am doing and doing it for me... right??